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Shelly is a 12-year-old hockey forward. She is alone on stage.
(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)
So I have this French friend, Fabrice. He's not really French, he's from Quebec.... He's a real piece of work.
(As if talking to somebody who doesn't understand:)
Meaning, he's kinda hard to convince to do the right thing. He's stubborn. I mean, I'm a girl, but I'm like the best forward in the whole league. And Fabrice is the best goalie. We made each other.
Now you're probably asking...what is a girl doing in a boys hockey league? Pffft. I'm so much better than most of them - they had to let me play. Everybody loves a winner, right? Anyways, Fabrice think he's better than Patrick Roy or some other French goalie. Whatever. I let him think that because goalies are hard to find - nobody wants pucks slapped into their face.
And I needed somebody to practice with.
(Shelly flashes back to the previous game against Fabrice.)
So last game. Our team needed to beat Fabrice's stupid team to head to the finals. The score was tied four-four. I hadn't scored since Fabrice's team was double and triple teaming me. But I knew it would eventually happen. I always score. Scouts were at the game, you know. I was going to get drafted high to a good Bantam team, I was certain...if Fabrice hadn't ruined it for me.
(Shelly slaps a puck - then shakes her head at the result.)
He knew I liked going five hole when the puck was wobbling. It was his luck I couldn't get a clean shot! Cuz I always score on him. His weakness is high blocker side. I always go there when I can.
Then to make it worse, he slashes me afterwards.
(Shelly acts as she's been hacked on the calf.)
So I had to slash him back.
(Shelly responds by "two-handed slashing" Fabrice.)
Then I hear
(As the referee:)
Two minutes for unsportsmanlike conduct!
What? He slashed me first!
(As the referee:)
Two minutes in the sin bin, young lady.
I swear I heard his teammates tell Fabrice to slash me earlier. His team is so annoying - they say stuff like "How's your boyfriend?" or "Are you gonna go home and cry if I trip you?" His coach is constantly complaining about me and the refs never call penalty when I'm hooked. Everybody hates me!... And because of my penalty, they score! And we lose!