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Alice 5 is one of the Alices conjured in a summoning spell by Uptight Know It All Girl Wizard as she, Harry and Rob search for the "Alice" mentioned by their invisible rabbit headmaster, Harvey Lapin, in their effort to figure out how to wield the mysterious carrot weapon he's given them. She suddenly begins expounding to our trio of wizard heroes.
(Warning: Using this monologue without permission is illegal, as is reproducing it on a website or in print in any way.)
In 1429 a young peasant girl named Alice discovers a carrot growing in a cabbage patch. The carrot begins speaking to her. At first, she ignores it, but the carrot continues to talk. She has her father pull it from the patch, but later that night the carrot appears in her window and tells her she is to lead the army of the King of France. Alice suffers a nervous breakdown, but after she finishes crying uncontrollably, drooling and wetting herself, she leads the French army to a stunning victory at the Battle of Marchère. On the way home, Alice falls off her horse and is waylaid by a party of orcs looking for a ring. They sell her to the English, who burn her at the stake. The carrot disappears, and for more than 500 years, it sleeps, disappearing from sight and mind, but always one eye open, waiting, watching. And when it senses that it is needed, when the time has come, it finds its way onto a truck loaded with cabbages, knowing that any invisible rabbit wizard would easily pick it out and give it to the appropriate hero to wield and save the world.